My mind is altered. And this is when I'm most honest. I long for a distraction, some chemical suffering. It's guilt incarnate, but it frees me. It's what I want. It's what I need from time to time. To forget myself entirely. But all things aside, I'm so lucky. I have a man who loves me. A family who supports me financially and otherwise. I'm so lucky to have what I have. To have who I have. I wouldn't trade any of it. Not for anything. I cherish every single thing I have. I have love. Love keeps me alive, it keeps me from destroying myself. It is the force that animates me. And I've found it once more. This time, in a purer and more orginal form.  A love not formed out of pathetic needs for attention. This is a loved formed out of the very air. One that can't really be defined by any normal terms. Typical vocabulary -- it serves no purpose here. It never has... with me, at least. My heart is wired differently. My mind even more obscurely structured. Inside, I'm buzzing. Outside, I'm quite. Inside, I'm crippled with desire, with excitement. Outside, I'm nothing but serene.

My mind is spinning. I'm longing for his embrace. I want the heavy feeling of his arms pulled tightly around me. I long for it, I need it. And soon, I'll get it.

My transformation has been difficult. And outrageous. Surprising. This transformation was completely necessary. And although my happiness wavers and falters from time to time, know this -- that I am happy. And grateful for everything and everyone. Love. Creativity. Ideas brewing inside me. So much is coming, I can feel it. This is real. This is my reality.